Run the Mile You're In

A little while ago, back in October, I took on the task of running a half marathon in the White Mountains. I spent months doing my best to train, but in the end, failed to finish. It was one of the hardest things I took on last year, and as a result, not finishing left a load of bad tastes in my mouth for several reasons, and instead of spitting the bad tastes out, I let them sit.

Here’s the thing about running the mile I was in last year: Sometimes I didn’t know it was the mile I was in until I got there or passed it. If I could express how this half marathon was for me back in October, I’d probably tell you the way it ended up is a solid metaphor for the way my life has felt for several years now.

This is how it felt:

— Despite training, I didn’t do my hardest to really put in the effort of discipline.

— Despite going with a handful of friends who ran the race, too, I still felt left behind in the dust.

— I tried my hardest to finish, I failed, but I moved forward anyway.

Here’s Why:

— As an artist, I’m flighty and it’s hard to tack down a regular ritual that I can call mine…

— I have several friends, but I constantly feel uninvited, left behind, or forgotten in crowds, which is why I tend toward smaller groups and one-on-one connection…

— I strive for a goal, try my hardest, but always come up short.

— I move forward anyway… The cycle continues.

I can’t say this last decade has felt that way all the time, though. There have been many great triumphs, too. Between overcoming a good portion of my natural tendency to victimize myself and going after the things I’ve been meant to do since childhood, I’d argue that the last decade was an adventure and one I’m not going to stop reflecting from any time soon.

I graduated high school and college, traveled the world, lost some really great people, and gained a whole load more. As 2019 came roaring in, I made sure to end the decade with a bang of accomplishments that would pave way for what’s next.

As 2020 has reared its head and now that we are three weeks deep, I feel ready to finally admit that I need to learn the discipline of rest while also clinging to the joy offered me in the middle of the mundane whether I love it or not (I mostly love it, though). I feel ready to learn what it means to show up for others and also show up for me when I need to without losing the balance of healthy connection (something I have always had a hard time with).

This doesn’t discount old miles I’ve run, it is simply the mile I’m in now.

Each mile builds upon the last. I want to continue building healthy endurance.

I feel ready to take on the hard task of showing up and doing my diligence to bring my best to the table.

I feel ready to make hard decisions so that in the long run, I am better and more balanced because of those decisions.

I feel ready to find equilibrium in all areas of my life including work, friendships both from work and outside of work, and still maintaining being an integral part of my church community.

As I navigate my identity, who I am, who I want to be, and who I am becoming, I want to move forward without fear of what others think even if the end result might mean a major change.

While running my race back in October, I got to a point where the pain was so strong in my knee, that finishing wasn’t an option anymore. I had tried my hardest and pushed my hardest, but my body gave out. I think that sometimes life can be like this in the kindest of ways.

Right now, I’m in a place where I am pushing through a lot of pain and I’m wondering if I’ll ever make it. Life really does have a way of making me stop every now and then, though, to help me really evaluate where I am, where I’d like to go, and how I’m going to get there.

This decade feels like more than just “something new’’ for me. Really, it feels like an entirely new turning point. It really is a juncture of choice.

I have the power to choose fight or flight methods. I have the power to keep pushing through pain when I want to give up. I have the power to change my mind and keep moving forward. I have the power to choose patience and grace with myself. In all these areas, though, I also have the power to choose the opposite, but I hope that what I’m building from has taught me the value in choosing wiser, and ultimately, what is best for me.

What’s this new decade pulling out of you?